“Setting boundaries” is a term used to describe the process of making your expectations clear and being consistent about enforcing these expectations. You can set boundaries for three groups of people: yourself, your children, and others. All three of these types of boundaries are applied in different ways. This article specifically addresses how to make and maintain boundaries for your kids. I believe this is one of the most important aspects of parenting.

If you know how to set boundaries and enforce them correctly, there will be order in your home; you can avoid making decisions based on your emotions; and it will protect your children from getting into negative situations. In short, if you know how to make and manage your boundaries, you can be a much more consistent and loving parent than you could ever be without them.

Where Should We Set Boundaries with Our Kids?

Set boundaries for your kids if you have one of the following reasons:

• Necessity

“You need to be at school on time because you need to do this to pass your classes.”

• Protection

“Your curfew is at [fill-in-the-blank] because the chances of something bad happening to you increase if you are out after this time.”

• Edification

“You can only watch [fill-in-the-blank] television because it is good for you to spend some time exercising or reading.”

It is very important that you never set boundaries simply for the reason that you want to show your kids that you have power over them. The attitude that thinks, “I’ll show her who the boss is,” is not going to help the situation. This is the worst reason to make a rule; it is guaranteed to cause resistance and resentment that will hurt your relationship with your child.

Consequences

It is very important that you establish consequences alongside of the boundaries for your kids. For example, you might say, “You must not get involved with any kind of illegal drugs. If you do, I am sending you to a rehabilitation center and taking your car away from you.” Since you told your child ahead of time, when she has the opportunity to cross this boundary, she already knows what the consequences are going to be if you find out about it. When she is at a party and someone offers her drugs, she’ll be forced to go through the following thought process: “If I do this and my parents find out, I will go to rehab and lose my car.” In many cases, knowledge about the consequences ahead of time will divert the child from crossing the boundary.

The consequences must be serious enough to make the behavior seem too risky for her. This will protect your child from being too tempted because she will not want the trade-off of the consequences.

When to Be Flexible

Setting boundaries is a difficult thing to do because you have to use your judgment. You may find there are expectations for you to hold exactly to your established boundaries in every situation. However, you should enforce the spirit and not the letter of the law, keeping in mind that sometimes the letter of the law is the spirit of the law. If your child technically breaks the rule, but it was due to unforeseen and extenuating circumstances, you should be understanding or merciful. However, when you do this, you need to let your child know, depending on what the situation is, either that you are giving them grace or that you saw their good intentions. This approach lets your child know that you are being merciful and not being a push-over. If you don’t clarify why you are being flexible, your child will just assume that you are no longer enforcing the rule.

An example of this would be the following: “I know that you technically broke the curfew, but since your car died and you had to wait for a tow truck, I am not going to punish you.” By doing this, you let your child know the rule is still valid. If you do not say anything, your child might think she can start coming home after her curfew every night. Grace is only grace when it is seen as grace; otherwise it is weakness. It matters more how it is received than how you meant it. Your child must understand and accept this. That is why I encourage parents to be consistent and not to give grace all the time. It should only be given very sparingly and when it truly applies to the situation.

Establishing and enforcing boundaries right now by following these guidelines will be able to save you and your child from months of complicated conflicts. If you have any examples of boundaries you have set with your kids, successful/unsuccessful stories, or questions about how to set boundaries in your particular situation, I would love to hear from you.

Does it seem as if you and your child are constantly angry at one another; that you can no longer communicate without ending the conversation in yelling; or that any slight problem might lead to an argument? Anger is one of the biggest problems we deal with at Teen Rescue. If you or your child has an anger problem, it can be a very frightening situation for you and your family. Prolonged and intense mutual anger between you and your child can leave lasting scars.

When trying to understand how to apply yourself to reconciling this situation, it is important to remember that your child is most likely not the only one at fault for the current, strained situation. Whatever damage has occurred thus far has been compounded every time you respond to your child with your own anger. As a parent, you need to be able to be honest with yourself about the times in which you have acted in anger toward your child.

How to Know if You’ve Acted out of Anger
There are several signs that can warn you that you have an anger problem and that your child is getting hurt by it. You should ask yourself the following questions:

• Have I have been raising my voice unnecessarily to my son or daughter?
• Have I been withdrawing from interaction with him or her because I am afraid I will lose my temper?
• Am I being too severe when I punish my child?
• Am I punishing him or her when I am angry?
• Have I been lecturing him or her beyond what is productive?
• Have I treated my child in any way that is driven by resentment rather than reason and love?

If you are acting in any of these ways on a regular basis, you are responding to your child’s problems in anger and not in love. Your anger does not accomplish anything. In fact, your anger only pushes your child further away from you. When your child sees you are upset, he or she loses respect for you because he or she sees that you are no longer in control.

Also, raising your voice is not the only way that your anger problem can affect your child. Becoming overly introverted, withdrawing from your child, or expressing your anger in a passive-aggressive way all can be just as damaging to your relationship with your child.

You need to examine yourself to see whether you experience your anger inwardly or outwardly. Whatever way the anger is experienced, it is important to understand why you are experiencing it and how you can respond to your child when he or she is angry without becoming angry as well.

Why You Have Feelings of Anger
Anger is an automatic response that you are using as a defense mechanism. Whatever form it takes, your anger shows that there is something out of control in our own life. This weakness often surfaces as anger when you are tired and frustrated, because your resistance and your self-discipline are lower at these times. However, these instances are telling of what kind of a person you are. When your child touches on one of your insecurities your natural reaction is to resort to your typical outlet of anger whether you raise your voice, withdraw, over-punish, etc.

To illustrate this point let’s use an example. Let’s say that your child has treated you with disrespect; you get angry; and you start to yell at him or her. Being treated with disrespect by your own child can hurt very deeply. However, your anger at the child’s comment is not the child’s fault; it is your fault. You became angry because you were basing your significance on what the child thinks of you. It is normal and okay to feel hurt by such a comment, but it is not normal or healthy to respond in anger. This is only the result of your own insecurity. Due to the fact that you are the parent, you must be the more secure one. Most of the time when you become angry, it is a sign that you have lost control over yourself.

How to Respond to Your Child’s Anger without Being Angry
When responding to your child’s anger, it is important to be matter-of-fact. For instance, if your child is being disrespectful, an appropriate response would be to say, “What you are doing hurts me, and it is disrespectful. Your punishment is going to be ____.” If you respond in this way, you maintain control of your emotions and the situation, and you show your child that you care about him or her. If you cannot manage your emotions, you will never be able to maintain a relationship with your child who might also have an anger problem. You also will never be able to love your child.

When you make these decisions free from anger, you must remain confident in the person that you are and the decisions you have made in regards to parenting your child. You cannot rely on the situation to improve overnight. Your child may still remain angry with you for a while. However, the only way that the long-term relationship will improve is if you are in control of your emotions.

You can also prevent anger by realizing your limits as a parent. Your job is not to have absolute control over your child. Your job is to protect him or her the best way that you can. You are incapable of maintaining absolute control, and if you try, you are only going to make your child and yourself angry.

Life without an Anger Problem
It is important to realize the adverse effects that anger has, not only on your family life, but also on you as a healthy human being. Scientific and psychological research shows that we can never completely compensate for our anger through exercise and diet. Experiencing anger actually releases toxic poisons into your bodily systems. Some of the physical effects of this are the reduction of the heart’s ability to pump blood, rashes, hives, warts, restricted blood vessel, inhibited digestion, and intestinal problems. Suppressed anger can also lead to alcohol and drug addictions.

In addition to these health problems and the domestic problems that you avoid by treating your anger problem, learning to manage your anger will allow you to live a much more peaceful and productive life. Unless you deal with your anger problem, you will never be able to be compassionate and express love to the people closest to you.

How You Can Receive Help
If you feel that you need professional counseling for just yourself; for your child; for you and your child together; or for your whole family together, you can contact Teen Rescue’s counseling service, T.R.I. Counseling. Our qualified counseling staff can help your family learn to manage these emotions in an individual or group setting. T.R.I. Counseling is located at Teen Rescue’s corporate office in Chino, CA. For more information, please call us at 1-800-494-2200 or email T.R.I. Counseling at counseling@teenrescue.com.